The Gift of Not Giving

Hey loyal readers (all 5 of you), here is a special treat from one of my friends. Its funny, its lewd, and its right up your alley, so enjoy!

On the Can with Dan the Man!!

 

Whats up internet. My name is Dan and I’m quite the man. I’m 22, I live in queens with my mother, I’m an undergrad with a shitty retail job and I’m the most single thing you’ve every seen. If you’re thinking, “Oh God, another internet asshat with nothing better to do than ramble all day about crap he doesn’t know”, then yes. That would be me. I’m all that and then some. “On the can?” you ask. Well yes I am in fact “on the can”. I’ve decided to do all my posting whilst taking shits. My reasoning is simple. This is the only place in the goddamn world where I can get some motherfucking peace and quiet. Noooobody wants to be anywhere near you when you’re dropping a deuce. Here on this porcelain throne my thoughts run free like bunnies in a meadow. 

 

OOOOOkay, so I ‘ve got my laptop, mug of coffee, some pretty explosive bowels and here we go!!!!

 

Lets start off with a fun topic. PRESENTS!!!!!!! Christmas, birthdays, babyshowers, weddings, house warmings, you name the occasion and there’s bound to be gift giving involved. Every holiday has its own type of present. A while back I got to thinking. What if there was a gift you could give that would be appropriate for every holiday? What if there was gift that any and everyone would love to have? What if there was a gift that was relatively inexpensive yet thoughtful and meaningful at the same time? Could such a thing exist? After countless hours off shitting and pondering I have found it! The perfect present!! The Gift of Not Giving!!!

 

The Gift of Not Giving is a rather easy concept to understand. You don’t get me anything so I don’t feel obligated to get you anything. I mean come on, we all love getting gifts but giving them fuckin sux.

 

The process of gift giving:

 

  1. Crap when was his birthday again?
  2. How much should I spend?
  3. What the hell does he want?
  4. Does he even like scented douches?
  5.  Should I buy a card??
  6. What the hell was his name!?!?

 

Mutual non-giving is beautiful thing. You save money, brain power (from not having to remember countless dates), and oodles and oodles of time from not having to drive out the mall just to buy some stupid oversized clearance rack item that they’re probably just going to re-gift anyway. So the next time you find yourself alone and presentless on your birthday, appreciate the fact that your friends cared enough not to care.

 

This has been On the Can with Dan the Man.

 

:flush:

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December 17, 2007 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment